Socrates and Trump: a brief dialogue, with apologies to Plato

Socrates: [Appears out of nowhere in Trump’s office] So…you’d like to be a ruler, eh?

Trump: Who the heck are you? How did you get through security?

Socrates: The name is Socrates. Ancient Greek philosopher. Plato’s teacher. No need to worry, I have been dead since 399 BC… I am a ghost, so security wasn’t a problem.

Trump: I think I heard about you in school…Some old man who kept asking too many questions until he pissed off the wrong people and was sentenced to death.

Socrates: That pretty much sums it up.

Trump: What do you want from me now?

Socrates: As I said, I was just wondering whether you really want to be a ruler. If so, I may offer you some free advice. You see, I have given this subject a lot of thought. My student Plato took copious notes and wrote it all down in a dialogue called Republic, but I know you’re too busy to read longwinded books. So, I figured that since you’ll be in charge of a really big Republic and you’ve decided to be a Republican, I’ll just give you the executive summary.

Trump: How much is this going to cost?

Socrates: My services are totally free. I have been advising rulers for millennia now. I no longer need food and I never cared for money. I’ll work pro bono.

Trump: Oh, good. I wouldn’t have paid you anyway…So, tell me: what do you think you can do for me?

Socrates: Oh, I just thought I could help you figure out what’s best for your country. As I said, I have been giving these matters a lot of thought.

Trump: Well, I don’t need your advice. I have a very good brain, and good genes too. I already know what’s good for my country. In fact, I have a secret plan to make it great again!

Socrates: Wonderful. Then, perhaps I can learn from you. I always enjoy learning from great minds.

Trump: I am sure you can. I am the best there is! Do you have any questions?

Socrates: Yeah…Why don’t you explain to me what you think is best for your country and why?

Trump: Well, that’s easy. Whatever is best for me is best for my country too. As long as we billionaires do well and my friends and family do well, business will boom and all the little people will do well too. We’ll just let them share in our success. You know…trickle down and all?

Socrates: Oh yes. I am quite familiar with that argument. Trasimachus used to say the same thing….

Trump: Trasi..who? Sounds foreign. Is he legal?

Socrates: Trasimachus. Just some guy I loved to debate 2400 years ago. He’s been dead a long time. Would you believe we didn’t have Twitter back then? We actually had to argue in person!

Trump: No Twitter? That’s ridiculous.

Socrates: I couldn’t agree more…I can’t imagine how many people I could have reached in old Athens if I had had Twitter…

Trump: Right. So anyway, what did this Trasimachus guy say?

Socrates: He said that “justice” is whatever works for the most powerful.

Trump: Aha! A man after my own heart…I wish I could hire him as a consultant.

Socrates: You already have Paul Ryan, he’s pretty much Trasimachus minus the tunic. Don’t you want to hear what my answer was?

Trump: Sure, sure. I’ll humor you…So, what was your answer?

Socrates: I asked him a question: “How do you know that the rich and powerful actually know what’s good for them?”

Trump: Well, that’s dumb. Of course we know! We are the best!

Socrates: Right. So you never make mistakes?

Trump: Of course not! I have good genes, a great brain…

Socrates: Yes, yes, so I gather. I may ask you though…Since you contradicted yourself countless times, can you be right and wrong at the same time?

Trump: I am never wrong!

Socrates: I see. So, when you contradicted yourself you were right!

Trump: I always am!

Socrates: Then you irrefutably proved yourself wrong every time you contradicted yourself…right?

Trump: Yeah! Wait, what?

Socrates: All I was pointing out is that since you have expressed contradictory opinions, you must not really be sure what’s good for you.

Trump: Can’t I just change my mind and be right both times?

Socrates: Sure, but if you do, it means when you change your mind you believe you were wrong the first time, which means you are not always right…

Trump: You’re giving me a headache.

Socrates: Just humor me. If whatever is good for you is best for everyone else but you don’t always know what’s good for you, how do you know what’s good for everyone else?

Trump: What are you talking about?

Socrates: All I am saying is that if you are not always sure what’s best for you, perhaps you could use some expert advice. At absolutely no charge…

Trump: Oh, you are saying I need advisors! I have the best advisors ever! Generals, businessmen…the best! I picked them all!

Socrates: Hmmm…I am afraid that’s not quite good enough.

Trump: Why? Aren’t those people the best?

Socrates: Well, they may be the best at what they do, but they don’t necessarily know what’s best for you, let alone for the country. You see, as I taught Plato, the guy who kept taking notes when I spoke, there really are 3 kinds of people depending on their inclinations. The businesspeople, the soldiers and the philosophers. Today, you’d call those philosophers intellectuals and scientists.

Trump: Yeah, of course! And the businessmen are best! Right?

Socrates: Er…not quite. You see, businessmen are driven by greed. They think about filling their own bellies and bank accounts, and that prevents them from understanding what the country needs. They tend to be shortsighted. Businesspeople in charge of a country are going to be in constant conflict of interest. Speaking of…don’t you have a few problems in that area already?

Trump: Huh…what about trickle down?

Socrates: Please don’t tell me you believe that nonsense…It’s OK, it’s just you and me here. I won’t tell on you. You and I know darn well that those who are concerned with personal profit don’t really care about the demos…the people. They just keep enriching themselves and damn everyone else….It’s only those stupid democrats who care about the demos. That’s how they got their name, back when I was alive.

Trump: Well, yeah…If you put it that way…as long as you don’t tattle on us. Profiting makes us smart!

Socrates: Sure…until the little people figure out you’ve been stiffing them. They can get really mad, you know? They can stir trouble…that’s bad for business. Better distract them somehow or you may end up with problems down the road.

Trump: Well, what about a nice war to keep them busy? Against those Islamic terrorists? People will be happy to bash some scapegoats. They’ll follow the generals. Did you meet all my generals? They are the best!

Socrates: Not quite. You see, soldiers are driven by aggression. They can be useful in defense of the state, but if you let them run the show, you’ll find yourself fighting wars you don’t need to fight…

Trump: Wars can be good for business!

Socrates: Go tell that to my Athenian countrymen…They fought Sparta until they and the Spartans went bankrupt. And then both countries collapsed. It was a crying shame. You see, they didn’t pay for their wars…Kind of like your modern compatriots.

Trump: Don’t remind me…You know, just between you and me. This job sounds much more difficult than I thought. I am kind of overwhelmed. Wouldn’t you know anyone who can take care of things for me? For a reasonable price?

Socrates: I thought you’d never ask. How about listening to philosophers? Intellectuals, historians, scientists…

Trump: Who? Those damn elitists?

Socrates: Yeah, them. Just hear me out Don. Those folks are very smart and thoughtful. After all, they think for a living. Yet, they are not as greedy as businesspeople. And they don’t go around starting wars you don’t need. They are open-minded, curious and intellectually honest. That makes them the best at figuring out what’s good for everyone, including you!

Trump: Do people like that actually exist?

Socrates: They do…Even in your own time. I was one of them. So were my students. Today, these people are found in editorial boards, universities, laboratories …They have been writing you letters expressing concern, publishing editorials with dire warnings… You know Don…those folks actually know what they are talking about. And they are truly concerned for the future of your world. I don’t really care, I’ve been dead for 24 centuries. But if I were you, I’d pay some attention…

Trump: Wait, all that science stuff is not just a bunch of bunk?

Socrates: Nope. Trust me, I kind of started the scientific method. It really works if you want to know the facts…

Trump: Facts? What facts? Kellyann told me they no longer exist! Isn’t reality just whatever I say it is?

Socrates: Think again…We don’t need to tell the little people on Facebook, but there are a few facts out there, and when we least expect it they come back and bite us in the ass. And those folks I was talking about are very good at sorting out fact from fiction. Speaking of fact and fiction, isn’t it a fact that you haven’t shown your tax returns yet?

Trump: Oh, those…someday I’ll show them. All in good time!

Socrates: No worries, I am sure you will. Anyway, getting back to my favorite topic…I really think you ought to listen to those damn scientists. They may be infuriatingly smug, but if you want those waterfront properties you own to keep their value, you’d be smart to follow their advice.

Trump: If you put it that way…Maybe I could let some damn intellectuals come up with smart answers to all those other pesky questions I keep reading about in the stupid New York Times. You know…climate change, health care, foreign policy, the economy…As long as I get to take credit, who cares if they do the work?

Socrates: Now you’re starting to see it…Don’t you have something better to do than making complicated decisions all day and getting nothing but trouble in return? You can pay people to do that for you, you know? Professionals! They’ll get the job done while you take care of tweeting, golfing, women….

Trump: It sure sounds like a great deal…Did I mention I wrote “The art of the deal”?

Socrates: You did...I read it myself! What a masterpiece!

Trump: I am great, right?

Socrates: Absolutely. I learned so much from you! That’s why I can offer you this deal of a lifetime today…You let a bunch of boring intellectuals run the show. You’ll pay peanuts for their work, and you’ll have all the free time in the world to do what you like. Let them take care of all the problems and headaches for you. You have already made so many sacrifices…You earned a vacation! What about a victory road tour?

Trump: Now that’s a great idea! I totally deserve it! Alright, you go call your philosopher friends or whatever you call them. Make sure they take care of the little people, OK? I’ll just go grab some pussy.

Socrates: You do that… [Vanishes into thin air]